It has officially been 18 months since my life turned sour and 6 months since it officially bellied upside down. As do others I’m sure, I often wonder how I ended up here. What did I do wrong? What could I have done? I recently moved back to a country I also associate as home, but while everyone and everything is where I left it, somehow nothing is the same. I left a different person, in different circumstances under a different situation, coming back to none of that is not only disconcerting but has a tendency to make you think you have nothing. I know I have achieved a lot, that I should be grateful for what I do have, but I can’t help slip into a pit of self-wallowing. I keep thinking of the things I don’t have any more and analysing every possible thing I could do to overcome that, the anxiety that comes throttling towards with these feelings is drowning. I can’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking and most importantly I don’t know how to love myself. I’m scared of being alone or by myself, because even a minute of idleness means my mind kicks into overdrive and not only culminates into doubting everything about myself, whether I’m smart, whether I’m pretty, whether anyone likes me, but it is physically taking a toll on my body.
A photo posted by Beth Evans (@bethdrawsthings) on Jul 22, 2016 at 9:48am PDT
(Image taken from https://www.instagram.com/p/BIK8edJDRh8/?taken-by=bethdrawsthings)
I don’t think anyone in this world ever wants to suffer from anxiety or depression but it’s our body’s defence mechanism to fight against all the injustices we’ve seen. Add unrequited love and unemployment to the list of things breaking your soul down and you’re left with nothing but a shell of a person. I do want to fight this. I do want to escape. I do want people to remember me as someone strong. But it’s a long journey, one that I’m not sure I can muster the energy to jump on. Someone recently recommended a few therapy tips that I’m going to share.
- First and foremost, make a routine. I’m currently unemployed, which is another element throwing fuel to my worrying fire, making me doubt my credentials and experience. But making a routine, waking up on time, doing something even if it isn’t that productive will make you happier. Make time for some physical exercise, I don’t sleep well at all, a more apt way to say this is that I literally don’t sleep, I’m up till 7am and then I struggle to sleep even till 11am at times. But by exerting myself a little, I not only feel a little healthy (thank you endorphins) but I do feel a little tired which helps.
- Secondly, eat healthy. I also feel fat and ugly, it’s not something I ever thought about myself before even when I weighed more than I do now, but it’s just another shallow thought that I need to power through. Eating the right food will help and boost your energy levels.
- Stand in front of the mirror every morning and tell yourself that you are worth it, that you’re amazing, and that you are lovable. I’m not going to lie, I haven’t started this yet, I find it silly to look at myself and say these things that I don’t believe in, but apparently if I say it enough I will start to believe it too.
While this may be a rant, I just want to emphasise, I do have some good hours or even some brilliant days entirely. There are deafening thoughts which make me feel worthless but I’m trying to find new ways, meet new people, indulge in new activities that help me have some good times too. I’m sure you already know the ways to help yourself, but internalising them is where we get stuck, I’m trying, and I just want you to as well.